There are so many hard things that you go through when you’re
parents decide to get a divorce. The hardest thing for me was that I lost a lot
along the way, including myself. I was 13 when it happened, old enough to know
what was happening, but still young enough for it to deeply affect me. I’ve
always been one of those people that take everything to heart, and I don’t
often say enough what I’m feeling and that I’m hurting. So things just keep
building up, and building up, until I explode, which I did many times, and
which also got me in trouble many times.
So many things can change during a divorce, firstly, obviously the
relationship between your parents, they can be the kind of parents that get
along even after they divorce, they can be the kind of parents that talk shit
about each other behind their backs to their kids, or you could have one of
each. I had one of each. Secondly, the relationship between the parents and the
kids can change. You look at this person, who raised you, who once loved you,
and not know who they are anymore, and because of that, your relationship with
them has changed, forever. I also had that.
There’s one thing I’ve always quite liked about myself, and that is
that I have very good instincts about people. I can read them well; I can see
through their bullshit, and see what that person is really like. I had that at
13 years of age, but I was told that I was wrong, and that I was just angry
from them divorce. For many years, I was
told I was too young to have an opinion or that my opinion was wrong. That was
one of the hardest things for me, because I wasn’t being listened to, and
because of that, I went through a lot more shit than I would have, if someone
had listened to my opinion in the first place.
I don’t ever blame anyone for that, because I have always believed
that everything happens for a reason, and that I was supposed to go through
these things, so I could become a stronger person. But when you’re a teenager,
you’re trying to figure out who you are, and when there is someone who is
constantly putting you down, and making you feel like you are unwanted and
unworthy, what else are you supposed to believe. Especially when it’s coming
from someone who is meant to protect you from people who make you feel this
way, from your bullies. But how can they protect you, when they’re the one who
is bullying you.
Almost 10 years on, and lots of shit later, I have finally accepted
the choice I made, to keep that person out of my life. The choice I wanted to
make when I was 13. I understand why what I wanted when I was younger was not
really ‘allowed’, because there were people looking out for me, that didn’t
want me to make a mistake that could ruin a relationship, I get that. But when
a person doesn’t change, when a person doesn’t believe they have done anything
wrong, when a person never apologizes for the wrongs that they’ve done, then
how can someone ‘like me’ who just wants to be happy, change their opinion on
that person? Like they say, a leopard doesn’t change its spots, and this person
certainly hasn’t.
I’ve always gotten so many questions, asking me how I could just let
them go. Believe me, it was never easy, and there are days when I question if
I’ve done the wrong thing, and I’m not going to lie, there are days that I miss
them, and wonder if maybe they have changed. But I know I’ve done the right
thing for me, maybe not for them, but I have for me. And I know that if after
10 years a person hasn’t changed, then why would they now? And honestly, I
think I just miss the person I knew when I was a kid, not the person that
showed who they really were when I was 13. Not the person who decided they
didn’t want to be a parent anymore. Not the person who became my worst bully.
I have lost many things with losing this person. I’ve lost other
family members; I’ve lost memories, photographs, and pets. But I’ve gained many
things also. I’m not quite there yet, but for the first time since I was 12, I
can see myself being genuinely happy again, I can see a future where I am
happy, and confident, and myself. I know I have a long way to go, but at least
I can see it now, I couldn’t before.
Like many things, not everyone is going to have the same experience
as me, when they are a child of divorce. Some may be better, some may be worse.
This is just my story of millions that are out there, I’m not telling it for
sympathy, I don’t need or want that. It’s just something I felt the need to
talk about as it could help someone who is going through the same thing.
Because if you ask me, people don’t talk about they’re problems much anymore,
and that’s how they can get worse. So I’m trying to encourage people to talk,
get things off their chest. Don’t bottle it up, someone somewhere, understands
and wants to help.
Danelle x
Don't ever be afraid to ask for help;
BeyondBlue:1300 22 4636
Kids Helpline:1800 55 1800
Lifeline: 13 11 14
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